Anyone Up For Some Jokes?

Want a laugh? Well post your funniest jokes in this topic…I’ll start it off : )

There once was a man on the beach who was sunbathing naked. All of a sudden, a little girl walks by, and the man, not wanting the girl to see him naked, covers himself with a newspaper. The little girls asks what is behind the newspaper and the man says that it is a bird. The man dozes off and a few hours later, he wakes up in a hospital room with exruciating pain. The police asks what the girl did to the man and she replys, "Well, I was playing with the bird when it spit up on me. I got angry and broke its back, cracked its eggs, and burned its nest. "

…dude thats seriously a joke? my god thats disgusting and horrible! lol jk jk dude…though it is pretty nasty. ill get some jokes for ya hold up.

lmao, good stuff :P, I love that :p. I got no jokes atm though :frowning: I lost my funny…

~ ewok

I got 1 i don,t thinks its a joke realy though just thought its funny

Y di anakin turn to the dark side

cause obi wan knobie slept with padma

It’s wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology can
be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled
streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a
business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a
quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had
written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from
memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed
instead to an elderly preacher’s wife, whose husband had passed
away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her
e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing
scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note
on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival
tomorrow.
PS. Sure is hot down here.

lol yea when my friend first told me that joke, i gagged…and someone, that was a funny joke

what did the chef ben knoibe say to luke skywalker

Take the folk with u

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion
for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met
a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would
marry, he thought to himself, she’ll never go through with the
marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans.
Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his
birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down.
Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her
that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way
home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked
beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk
he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.
It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and
before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.
All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he
felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed
somewhat excited. She exclaimed, “Darling, I have the most
wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!” She put a
blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the
table and made him promise not to peak. At this point he was
beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was
about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again
made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she
went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the
opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was
not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time
breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about
him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came
on. He raised his leg and RRIIPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel
engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he
tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would
dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon
winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
With his blindfold still on, when he heard the phone farewells
he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if
he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not
peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, “SURPRISE!!!”
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated
around the table for his surprise birthday party.

uh…i’m not really into star wars, so i don’t really get it : ( and…someone, another great joke lol

This One Is A Favourite

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten
apples.” The king then explained the trial to him. “You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you’ll be eaten.”
The first apple went in… but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?” The
second one replied, “I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples.”

“I know what you’re getting for Christmas” - Darth Vader
"How? - Luke Skywalker
“I feel your presents” - Darth Vader

You can laugh now.

~ ewok

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: “I’d been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn’t
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.
I found him hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn’t fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn’t kill the asshole. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself.”
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: “I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn’t believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn’t last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me.”
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: “Picture this. You’re hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator…”

nine 1 mr parris

lmao that was hilarious

a blind man walks into a shop and starts swing his dog around
shopkeeper: erm… what r u doing
blind man: Having a look around

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What’s 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm… 4!

Officer: What’s the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm… 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm… I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”

Next one!

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said…

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Another one!
A blonde wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman- type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. “Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge?” he replied. The blonde said “How about $50.00 ?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder were in the garage. The man’s wife inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?” The man replied, “She should, she was standing on the porch.” A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. “You’re finished already?” he asked. “Yes, the blond answered and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats”. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.00 "and by the way the blond added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari”.

Another one again!

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!” The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, “You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little crap on your knee.”

Hope you like them :slight_smile:

ewww…someone i didnt get that one

Redwraith nice Blonde jokes lol.

those were classic redwraith lmao

got joke wrong it was a typo

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off !”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the
customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re
naked already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy
son of a ***** didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a
lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that really is a drag!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet
is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose
right on my head !”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!”