NOTE I did write this but just copied it from MySpace. I have a copy there, too.
I made this blog to dedicate the life of a good friend of mine, Larry.
Larry was born to Jack and Jill Emenheimmer on February 29, 1234. Larry Emenheimmer started life off hard. When he was born, the doctor and both his parents had been partying all that night, so all the staff had no idea what to do because the doctor was suffering from an alcoholic related car accident on the floor. Larry came flying out of his mother at mach 10 and went through the hospital wall, through 4 SUVs, and finally came to a stop after running into a building used to pack pillows with feathers. But because that factory was 1300 miles away from the hospital, it took his parents and a flying ambulance 16 hours to get to him. Once Jack and Jill reached their baby, he was sitting up against the wall playing Halo on a 52" Panasonic all-in-one calculator/refrigerator/fully functional tank/TV that also came out of his mother at the same time he did. Later in life Larry became known as one of the best Major League Gamers ever, even beating Chuck Norris in a game of tennis. When Chuck Norris was beaten by Larry, Chuck Falcon Punched Larry and his family back to where they came from, Turkey, the capital of Iraq. In Turkey, they landed on a man, Barrack Osama Bin Laden Obama, killing him instantly. Five years later, at the age of 64 Larry was separated from his parents in the War of 1934, against the confederation of the south-south west part of Africa. He was so upset about losing his parents that he created his own ‘fad’ called ‘emo’. That later became the gayest thing you could possibly be some 70 years later. During those 70 years, at the age of 14, Larry met a man named Janet Jackson, who was, just like Walt Whitman, an awful child molester, except she was born in ancient Hong Kong. Janet Jackson taught Larry how to sing, and at one concert during the World Cup (of soccer) Larry pulled Janet’s shirt up, revealing all of Europe her 3rd nipple, which was just below her belly button. Janet then slapped the shit out of Larry. The last slap put Larry into a coma. He was kept as St. Judes hospital for old people for 73 years. At the age of 16, Larry awoke from his self induced coma and went on to become known as the hero “Bruce Willis”. He pursued an acting career, starring in the movie Cast Away and Dora the explorer’s big adventure to the island of Nigeria. Both of those movies became number one in the box office after only 5 people watched it and violently puked immediately after seeing the 1st 6 milliseconds of his second movie he starred in. Because of that crap ass movie, Bruce Willis (Larry) was kicked out of the acting business forever and was told to become a male model for the Pie Recipe book “Die another day”. He said no to them and made his own choice of becoming a cowboy in the wild wild north east. The second he walked into the town of Boston (which was in the state of Maine) he got shot by a bunch of white dudes called The Black Panthers. Larry didn’t die but was instead sent back to the St. Judes hospital for old people. But that hospital had closed the day after his release many years before, so he was shit out of luck and had to stay outside during winter, which averaged at about 400ºF below 415ºF. one day I wanted to go blow up something which required me going by that hospital he was staying at, so I saw him laying down outside on a bed of remote control cars. I then introduced myself to him and punched him in the face as a sign of affection. He wanted to show his affection to so he attempted to punch me back, but because he was too stupid, he missed me. I took him back to Delaware and brought him to school one day and showed him how to make dammed cookies out of rubber bands, a computer modem, and a box of used checks. He failed miserably. At school one day, he fell down the stairs and died because he landed on a bed of pillows that were ironically made in that pillow factory he ran into at child birth 5 years prior to his death.
That ends my friendship with Larry, a great man.
Left you hanging there at the end, didn’t I? haha